


Guilt

by SilverMoon53



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Guilt, Pidge | Katie Holt Swears Like a Sailor, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, because pidge killed someone and needs to process that, implied/referenced Post tramatic stress disorder, she/her pronouns for pidge, takes place shortly after "Rebirth"
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-12-10 19:22:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11698257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverMoon53/pseuds/SilverMoon53
Summary: When the battle was over and the dust had settled, Pidge went down to deal with the body. She expected to feel guilty, and she did, really. Just not for the Galra dead by her hand.





	Guilt

She waited until everyone had gone to bed and the castle was quiet. It was a few days after the attack, but everyone had been too busy to take any time to rest. Now that the Balmera and its people were free, the group had decided to take a few days to rest and recharge the castle. They had spent the first day in celebration, ushering in the dawn of a new era of freedom for the Bulmerians. There wasn’t a parade, much to Lance’s dismay, though that had more to do with the fact that the Bulmerians didn’t know what that was. Thousands of years of slavery had left them without much to celebrate.

Eventually, though, the festivities died down and Team Voltron bid their farewells. Although they had been invited to stay until properly rested, the group feared staying in the same place for long. There was also the issue of the Galra constantly finding the Castle, and everyone’s reluctance to risk drawing the ire of the Emperor and his men back to the Balmerians so soon.

Now, however, they were alone and the Castle was silent. Everyone had retired to bed early, exhausted from the last few days’ events. Pidge had retreated to her room sooner than any of them, but had not even pretended to sleep. She sat, wide awake, tinkering with a simple code to pass the time and keep her thoughts from spiraling out of control. One of the many screens in her room held a map of the Castle, coloured blips showing the location of everyone on board. Pidge’s eyes flicked to that every few seconds, irritably waiting until everyone had gone to their rooms. She knew her code was poorly written, riddled with syntax errors and redundancies, taking twice as many lines as needed, but she didn’t care. It was only an algorithm to keep track of how much energy each member of the team was consuming and exerting, based on vitals taken at pseudo-random times throughout the day, as well as the amount of food on the ship and its nutritional value and estimated longevity, and then use that information to calculate how much of what to ration in the most effective order. It wasn’t needed and she could easily rewrite it from scratch in a few hours if she ever actually needed it.

Pidge’s eyes lit up when she saw that everyone was in their rooms, though she forced herself to wait another half hour to be sure she would be alone. Finally, she allowed herself to rise and slip into the quiet halls. She treaded softly as she worked her way to the basement, wary of waking the others. Once in the lower levels of the ship, she relaxed a bit and quickened her pace until she was sprinting down the passageways. She had to pause and pull up a map a few times, unsure of her direction but it did not take her long to reach her destination.

And there they were. Rover hadn’t survived the fall at all. The small robot was smashed to pieces and would have been indistinguishable from scrap metal and wire had it not been next to the dead Galra. Haxus’s body lay broken and battered on the floor, eyes wide with the terror of his final moments. Pidge found her eyes drawn to the corpse, even as she bent to pick up the pieces of Rover that lay scattered about. Reverently, she placed her broken robot in the bag she brought down with her, before sitting down against the wall a few steps away from Haxus.

She held the corpse’s sightless gaze for several moments, almost expecting it to rise up and challenge her. As seconds turned to minutes, she turned away with a sigh.

“I killed you,” Pidge whispered to the empty air. Already, it smelled of spoiled meat as the body began to decompose. “You’re dead, because of me.” The young girl wiped her eyes, expecting to find tears, and stifled a yawn to avoid the stench. Her eyes were oddly dry as she looked back at Haxus.

She wasn’t sure how long she stayed down there like that. Long enough for her to grow accustom to the smell and for her back to start to ache, but those didn’t have exact numbers attached to them. She knew she didn’t sleep, or at least was awake again when footsteps echoed down the hallway towards her.

“Hey,” she blandly greeted the newcomer, not needing to look up or check the map to know it was Shiro.

“I had a hunch I’d find you down here,” he said as he settled next to her. Shiro hesitated before continuing, “I saw the security footage from the attack. And when you didn’t show for breakfast and didn’t answer your door, I figured you’d be here.” He gave her a sidelong glance. “The others are worried about you. It’s not like you to skip meals.”

“Yeah, it kinda is,” Pidge countered with a scoff. “I lose track of time all the time, and I’d forget to eat if you guys weren’t always reminding me. Hell, I’ve missed or been late to more breakfasts with you than I’ve been on time to.” Pidge rounded on Shiro, ignoring his murmured warning about her language. “So why don’t you cut the bullshit, Shiro. If the others are worried about me, it’s not because I skipped breakfast. It’s ‘cause they think I’m weak. That I’m a child.”

“You _are_ a child, Pidge, and we have every right to be worried about you. You cut yourself off from the group more than anyone, and don’t take care of yourself.”

“I’m not a fucking child, Shiro, I’m a Paladin of Voltron just like the rest of you and I can take care of myself.”

“Language, Pidge.” Shiro’s warning was more stern this time, though Pidge just rolled her eyes and turned away. They sat in silence for another minute before Shiro sighed. “Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to imply that you’re weak. Yeah, everyone is worried about you, but they’re all worried about each other too. You’re just the only one who couldn’t be found this morning. Which,” he added, laying his hand on her shoulder, “is why I came down. Wanna talk about it?” he asked as he nodded to the corpse.

“Not really,” Pidge replied without hesitation. “But I… I think I should.” She shrugged his hand off her shoulder and rubbed her face, eyes still dry. She opened and closed her mouth a few times before letting out a frustrated moan. “I’m better with numbers and code than actual words, you know?” she offered.

“Take your time. It’s not like we have any plans today.”

“Alright,” Pidge sighed again. “If you saw the footage, then I take it you know that I killed him?” She waved vaguely at Haxus and watched from the corner of her eye as Shiro nodded. “Right then. It’s just… ugg.” She let out another frustrated groan and smacked her head against the wall behind her. “Okay. Umm. Hm. Mind if I backtrack?”

“Whatever you need, Pidge. I’m just here to listen.”

“That’s… really cheesy, Shiro. You spent too much time with my brother.” The two of them shared a chuckle while Pidge tried to collect her thoughts again.

“So, before my face off with Haxus - which, by the way, was fuckin’ epic, any chance you saved the footage so I can watch it again? - I had to fight a whole bunch of the foot soldiers. And kill them. And it’s… I mean…” she trailed off, hands gesturing meaninglessly as she turned to face Shiro.

“I didn’t think I’d feel bad about killing the soldiers, you know? Most of them are just robots, pieces of metal and scraps of code, nothing _real_ to feel bad about killing. And the ones that aren’t don’t matter either, not really. They won’t be remembered as individuals, just numbers. No matter who wins, each soldier will only be counted in the thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, of low ranking soldiers who died during the war. Nameless, faceless, ultimately meaningless numbers.

“But this? Haxus? He had a name, he would be remembered as a ranking officer. He probably had friends, a family. Everyone has a family, and right now, his is wondering where he is and why he isn’t home yet. And now he’s not going to go home, every again, because he’s dead, just like that, because of me.” Pidge looked down, brow furrowed in thought. “I killed him.”

“It’s okay to feel guilty,” Shiro soothed after several moments of silence. “I get it. Even if they were bad guys, they were still people. And even if you only killed them in self defence, even if they gave you no other choice, it’s okay to feel bad about killing them. The guilt you’re feeling is natural. It’s okay.”

“But that’s just it,” Pidge said, not looking up. “I don’t. Feel guilty, I mean.” Shiro jerked back in shock and Pidge raised her eyes to meet Haxus’s dead ones, still staring at her. “I mean, yeah. Okay, I feel bad about Rover and how if I never adopted an enemy robot then maybe Lance wouldn’t have gotten nearly killed by the bomb because the bomb probably wouldn’t have gotten in at all, or at least not like that. So I feel bad about Lance, and Coran too because he got hurt in the blast, and about you because you got hurt protecting Lance and about Hunk because Lance is his best friend and Keith because he’ll never admit it but he has a major crush on Lance - you’d think he’d be smart enough to not put his diary on a computer when I can hack into everything - not to mention the blow on his ego that he and Allura got fooled and locked out of the Castle,” Pidge paused to draw in breath, aware she was rambling but too far in it to stop, “and Allura, too, because she already lost so much and I’m the reason she almost lost what little she has left and I wasn’t even able to help her by getting the barrier down, and hell, I feel bad for the space mice for making them put themselves in danger to do what I couldn’t. And Rover,” she spat, turning to grab the bag its remains were in and throwing it at Shiro. “Fucking Rover, I feel bad for! A not-even-almost-sentient hunk of metal, who ran on AI at best but not-fucking-even because AI can’t be persuaded to changing sides just like that!” Her fingers snapped for emphasis as she heaved for air. Shiro sat in silence, wide eyes the only response from her outburst.

Pidge pushed herself up angrily, stomping over to the dead body and kicking it in the head. “But this?” she asked bitterly, aiming another kick. “My only regret is that I didn’t push him off myself. I’m _glad_ he’s dead!” She rounded on Shiro, locking eyes with him. “I’d kill him again in an instant if I could. Even if he _hadn’t_ been spouting that “victory or death” bullshit, even if it _hadn’t_ been in self defence, I’d kill him again. I’d kill him if he was defenceless and injured and I wouldn’t feel bad about it. I don’t feel any guilt for him, Shiro, and he’s the only one who didn’t make it out of this and he’s the only one I don’t feel guilty about!” Her voice cracked and finally, _finally,_ tears formed in her eyes as she let herself sink to the floor.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, I’m here.” Shiro was at her side before she reached the ground, holding her tight as she broke down. “Shhhh, shhhh, it’s okay.”

“No,” Pidge blubbered, voice muffled by Shiro’s shoulder. “It’s not. I’m supposed to feel bad, good people feel bad when they kill someone.” She pushed herself away until Shiro let go, dragging her arm across her face in a vain attempt to dry it. “Good people aren’t happy when they kill someone, good people feel bad about it and try to scrub blood of their hands that only they can see! You do it, Shiro, I’ve seen the look in your eyes and the red of your hand when the past gets too loud for you to handle. I’m not like that! There’s blood on my hands and I want more and more _and more_ until everyone who kept my family from me is dead!” Letting out a wordless scream, Pidge spun away from Shiro and smashed Haxus’s face with her fist. She felt it crunch beneath her fingers and reveled in the pain that shot up her arm. She didn’t move for several seconds, other than the rapid heave of her chest and shaking of her body.

Shiro was there when she collapsed once more, utterly deflated and defeated by her emotional outburst. He held her delicately, as though fearing she might break if he clutched her too tight. She whimpered wordlessly as they rocked, trying to force out the words that have haunted her thoughts since she had seen Haxus fall. “I think…” she finally choked out, “I think I’m a bad person.”

She could have sworn she heard his heart break, which only added to her guilt and certainty that she was a bad person. Good people don’t hurt their friends like that, even unintentionally. “I don’t want to be a bad person, Shiro,” she whispered.

“Pidge, Pidge look at me.” She allowed herself to be pulled from Shiro’s chest, but kept her chin down until his gentle fingers lifted it up. “Pidge, the world isn’t black and white. And even if it was, morals blend even more in war. Good people do bad things, sometimes, but that doesn’t make them bad people. It makes them _people_. Do you really think a bad person could be a Paladin of Voltron?” Though doubt still clouded her mind, Pidge shook her head. “Would a bad person worry about her friends enough to risk her life to help them? Would a bad person feel conflicted about a lack of empathy?”

Pidge kept crying, but drew comfort from Shiro’s embrace and his words. Slowly, her tears dried up. “Probably not,” she conceded. She pulled her arm across her face once more, wiping away the last of her tears. Pidge nestled closer into Shiro’s arms and chewed her bottom lip. “But… but what if I am?” she asked after a minute or two. Shiro heaved a deep sigh.

“If anything, Pidge, this makes you an antihero. Someone who does the wrong thing, sure, but for the good of others. Pidge, you are fighting for the freedom of the known universe. No matter how you go about that, it means that you are a good person. Bad people don’t save the universe.” 

Pidge smiled at that. It wasn’t a big smile, nor was it the smile of one fully convinced. But it was a smile nonetheless, the first she had cracked in days, and she counted that as a victory. Slowly, she detangled herself from Shiro’s arms and stood up. She took the few steps over to the abandoned bag and swung it onto her shoulder. 

She was careful, this time, to not let her eyes roam to the corpse. A grunt sounded behind her as Shiro stood up and she faced him. Her smile turned sheepish as her stomach let out a low rumble. “Any chance the others left some breakfast for me?” she asked.

“I’m sure we can find you something,” he chuckled. “Come on, let’s go.” She let him wrap his arm around her shoulder as they walked to the kitchen, quietly thankful for his support. 

Pidge still didn’t feel bad about killing Haxus, and she doubted that she ever would. She still didn’t fully believe that she could feel that way without being a bad person. But she did believe that she was fighting for the right reasons, and that was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on Tumblr at https://cloudcoveronclearnights.tumblr.com/ or on discord cloudcover#7167


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